When I was a senior high school student. One day my school’s drillmaster said we will punish those people who didn’t wear helmet. From that time, I will park my bicycle nearby my school.
There were many bicycles since I had parked. Every morning, I needed to get up early to snatch at a place. At first, I could get a place is far from flowerpots and furnaces. After few months later, I tired to get up early so I was late at that day. At that day, I parked the worst place where is nearby furnaces but I didn’t touch it.
After the ring was rang I should hurry to go to the cram school. So ,as soon as I walked to my bike I saw there were many bikes around mine. Then I have never forgetted that scene is one of my bike’s handle is stuck to the furnace. After that, I ran to the classroom to borrow penknife from classmates.
Later, when I walked back there was still many people. Therefore, I took a walk nearby school. After few minutes, I went back and sliced through plastics of handle staelthy. In the end, that was a terrible experience to me and my bike became funny from that time.
Hi Donna
回覆刪除這一篇感覺很有順序但事實上是難以摸著邊際...
就讓我帶著沉重的心情一項一項慢慢地道來吧...
1.When I was a senior high school student.
when+子句不能當獨立子句
要不就寫: The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened when I was a senior high school student.
2. One day my school’s drillmaster said we will punish those people who didn’t wear helmet.
改: One day, the school's drillmaster announced that they would punish those students who didn't wear a helment.
3. From that time, I will park my bicycle nearby my school.
第一、will park時態錯亂
第二、這兒為什麼會突然從安全帽跳到你把腳踏車停在學校附近呢? 那你本來停哪裡呢? 而這樣停又跟學校宣布helmet有什麼關係呢? 要寫出來喔
4. There were many bicycles since I had parked.
我想你是想寫: However, there were many others parking in the new parking space that I chose.
5. At first, I could get a place is far from flowerpots and furnaces.
把is拿掉
6. After few months later, I tired to get up early so I was late at that day.
第一、改A few months later,
第二、這一句這樣寫有不清楚的地方，要寫: A few months later, I got tired of getting up early and stopped doing it, and the worst thing that has ever happened to me happened on one of those days.
7. At that day, I parked the worst place where is nearby furnaces but I didn’t touch it.
用On that day, I parked my bike near the furance, but my bike didn't touch it at all.
8. After the ring was rang I should hurry to go to the cram school.
第一、the ring是什麼ring
第二、was rang文法錯誤
第三、為什麼加should
第四、為什麼是cram school?你不是在說學校嗎?
9. So ,as soon as I walked to my bike I saw there were many bikes around mine.
為什麼時間點突然跳到你又走到停車的地方了?
這一句跟上一句中間的沒有交代清楚
10. After that, I ran to the classroom to borrow penknife from classmates.
第一、這裏不能只用after that, 要寫出After seeing that, I ran to...或Seeing that, I ran to...
第二、penknife是可數名詞
11. Later, when I walked back there was still many people.
第一、你剛提到的penknife是要做什麼? 後來都沒提到了?
第二、你剛剛沒有提到有很多人喔, 這裏突然寫still many people...交代不過去啦
12. Therefore, I took a walk nearby school.
剛剛是補習班，現在是學校...恩...錯亂錯亂
13. In the end, that was a terrible experience to me and my bike became funny from that time.
In the end改，In short
上課的時候，我們...好好聊一下...